Bob arrived in LGD with a mission: Find Mira. Admire Mira's Meteor skin. And—if the universe was kind—ride Mira's Meteor skin.
He tip-toed through LGD like a raccoon casing a jewelry store. He checked the rally hall. He checked the TG queue. He checked the Bob Containment Zone (just in case Mira was hiding from him).
But Mira was nowhere.
Instead… There was a strange new member standing confidently near the war hall.
A pig. A literal pig-headed avatar. Wearing sunglasses. And a hoodie.
The name above him read:
JOHN PORK
Bob froze. His brain made the Windows XP error noise.
"JOHN… PORK?" he whispered.
He had heard that name before. Long ago. On the internet. In the cursed corners of TikTok and Instagram. In the memes that haunted humanity.
He sprinted to his APX hut, slammed the door, and opened his dusty old laptop.
Bob typed furiously.
"JOHN PORK CALLING" "JOHN PORK MEME" "WHY DOES JOHN PORK CALL PEOPLE" "IS JOHN PORK REAL" "CAN JOHN PORK DRIVE A METEOR SKIN"
He found the classics:
Bob clutched his chest.
"HE'S REAL," Bob whispered. "HE'S IN LGD. HE HAS COME TO ME."
He slammed the laptop shut and sprinted back to LGD.
John Pork was still standing there.
Bob approached slowly, reverently, like meeting a celebrity.
"Mr. Pork?" Bob asked. "Sir Pork? Lord Pork? Your Porkness?"
John Pork turned.
Bob screamed.
Not out of fear—out of pure, unfiltered excitement.
"YOU'RE REAL! YOU'RE REALLY REAL! YOU'RE JOHN PORK! FROM THE INTERNET! FROM THE CALLS! FROM THE MEMES! DO YOU STILL CALL PEOPLE? CAN YOU CALL ME? CALL ME RIGHT NOW!"
John Pork said nothing.
Bob leaned in.
"Are you going to call me?"
John Pork continued saying nothing.
Bob gasped.
"You're mysterious. I LOVE THAT."
He circled John Pork like he was inspecting a rare Pokémon.
"Do you have a Meteor skin? Do you want one? Do you want to ride one? Do you want ME to ride one? Do you want to ride one WITH me?"
John Pork sighed.
Bob screamed again.
"He SIGHS! HE HAS LORE!"
John Pork glanced around, then pulled Bob behind the LGD war hall.
"Bob," he said quietly.
Bob froze.
John Pork… spoke?
"Bob… it's me."
Bob blinked.
"Me who?"
John Pork removed the sunglasses.
Bob leaned closer.
John Pork whispered:
"I'm Mira."
Bob's soul left his body.
He screamed so loudly that SOV scouts reported seismic activity.
"You're—YOU'RE—YOU'RE MIRA?! YOU'RE JOHN PORK?! YOU'RE JOHN PORK AND MIRA?! YOU'RE MIRA PORK?! YOU'RE PORK MIRA?! YOU'RE—YOU'RE—YOU'RE—"
He collapsed to his knees.
"MIRA… YOU'RE LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE. A SECRET KVK PIG-THEMED SUPERHERO LIFE."
Mira (John Pork) nodded calmly.
"It's my KvK persona," she said. "LGD needed a symbol. Something powerful. Something unforgettable."
Bob grabbed her shoulders.
"A PIG WITH SUNGLASSES IS THE MOST POWERFUL SYMBOL IN THE UNIVERSE."
Mira sighed.
Bob screamed again.
Bob stood up, trembling with excitement.
"Mira… this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I will NEVER forget this. I will tell EVERYONE."
Mira grabbed his arm.
"No. You will tell NO ONE."
Bob nodded solemnly.
"I understand."
He absolutely did not understand.
He sprinted out of LGD yelling:
"JOHN PORK IS MIRA! MIRA IS JOHN PORK! THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE LGD!"
LGD collectively screamed.