Bob had been complaining for three days straight.
Not quietly. Not politely. Not even at a normal human volume.
He complained to APX, to TTK, to LGD, to SOV, to FAR, and to one confused goat.
"I HAVE 2700 TRUE GOLD," Bob wailed, "BUT NO SPEEDUPS TO USE IT. I AM A TG-RICH, SPEEDUP-POOR TRAGEDY."
Lady Kara heard him. Drew heard him. Funky Lion heard him from the roof. Even Rambo heard him, and Rambo does not hear — he detects vibrations.
Bob paced around Kingdom 1507 like a dramatic opera singer, clutching his TG pouch and sighing loudly enough to shake banners.
Stranger was passing through APX territory when Bob's latest complaint echoed across the courtyard:
"I CAN'T USE MY TG! I'M A PRISONER OF MY OWN WALLET!"
Stranger froze.
He had heard something. Something troubling. Something… suspicious.
He approached Bob slowly, like one approaches a malfunctioning siege engine.
"Bob," Stranger said, "I've heard rumors. People missing True Gold."
Bob gasped so hard he inhaled a leaf.
Stranger continued:
"Lady Kara. Gigi. DarkZero. And two others. All missing TG. Gigi can't even finish her TG1 → TG2 upgrade."
Bob blinked. Then blinked again. Then blinked a third time because his brain needed a reboot.
"STRANGER," Bob whispered, "ARE YOU SAYING… THERE IS A TG THIEF?"
Stranger nodded gravely.
Bob screamed.
Stranger, fueled by justice and mild annoyance, launched a full investigation.
He interrogated APX. He interrogated TTK. He interrogated LGD. He interrogated SOV. He tried to interrogate FAR, but Rambo growled and Stranger decided the TG thief could wait.
He checked TG vaults. He checked logs. He checked Bob's pockets. He checked Bob's pockets again because Bob looked nervous.
He found:
Stranger was devastated.
He had been so close to imprisoning Bob again.
He stared at Bob with the disappointed intensity of a father who just watched his child eat glue.
Bob stared back, clutching his TG pouch like a teddy bear.
Bob, sensing danger, immediately launched his own defense campaign.
Defense Attempt #1: The Speech
Bob climbed onto a crate in APX and shouted:
"I AM INNOCENT! I HAVE NEVER STOLEN TG! I ONLY MISPLACE IT! SOMETIMES INTO BUILDINGS! SOMETIMES INTO GOATS!"
Kara walked by. She did not stop. She did not look. She simply said, "Bob, stop talking."
Bob did not stop talking.
Defense Attempt #2: The Demonstration
Bob dumped his entire TG pouch onto the ground.
2700 TG spilled everywhere like glitter.
"SEE?" Bob yelled. "IF I WERE A THIEF, WOULD I DO THIS?"
Funky Eagle, watching from above, whispered, "Yes. Yes he would."
Defense Attempt #3: The Chart
Bob created a chart titled:
"BOB'S TRUE GOLD INNOCENCE PROOF (SCIENCE)"
It included:
Drew stared at it for a full ten seconds before saying, "This is… nothing."
Defense Attempt #4: The Reenactment
Bob reenacted the crime scene.
There was no crime scene.
He reenacted it anyway.
He played every role:
Stranger watched the performance with the expression of a man reconsidering his life choices.
APX
Kara: "Bob, stop talking." Mallo: "OH NO HE'S PANICKING AGAIN." Funky Lion: "Should we… help him?" Drew: "Absolutely not."
TTK
TwinTaco: "Stranger, imprison him anyway." Hunter: "He smells guilty." DarkZero: "I'm locking the vault again." Splink: "Statistically, Bob is involved."
LGD
Mira: silent meteor glare Ian: "Guards." Cold: "I'm too retired for this."
SOV
Aladdin: "No parties. No Bob. No exceptions." Esmeralda: "Why is he yelling?" RearAdmiral: "He's guilty of something."
FAR
Rambo: growls Jonnycolumbia: "He's definitely guilty." Snapback: "Of everything."
After hours of chaos, yelling, charts, goats, and Stranger's growing disappointment…
Gigi finally spoke up.
"Oh! I found my missing TG. I misclicked."
Kara blinked. Stranger blinked. Bob blinked so hard he nearly fell over.
DarkZero checked his vault. "Mine's here. I forgot to scroll."
Two others checked. Same result.
Stranger stared at Bob.
Bob stared back.
Stranger sighed the sigh of a man who had been robbed — not of TG, but of the opportunity to imprison Bob.
Bob climbed onto a rock, raised his TG pouch, and shouted:
"I AM INNOCENT! MY SPEEDUP SUFFERING IS REAL! MY TG IS PURE! MY SOUL IS SHINY!"
He slipped off the rock.
He fell into a bush.
The bush caught fire.
FAR sighed.
Bob was innocent.
Of this crime.
Probably.
Maybe.
But he still had 2700 TG and zero speedups.
And he continued complaining louder than ever.
Stranger walked away muttering, "Next time… next time I'll get him."
Bob yelled after him:
"STRANGER! DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEEDUPS?!"
Stranger did not respond.
He simply walked faster.